Tender mercies

Here is a "note" from me to you on my thoughts of May 15th...

It was three years ago today that I delivered a tiny baby boy that had died before he got a chance to be born.  Even though it has been three years, I still have a hard time during this week.  I don't sit and cry but I do feel more anxious and just kind of in a "funk".  I find that I am not as patient with my other children as I should be and then I decide not to just pretend that everything is all right and let myself "grieve" a little bit.  Despite the loss I still feel, I can look back and see how far I have come and the things that I learned from that experience.  That was the beginning of a very difficult year for me -but I got through it and I learned a couple of things about myself.  I learned that even when I feel so dark inside, I know what I know and cannot deny that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and that I can continue to keep going and making right choices.  I also learned that for me, peace is not necessarily an overwhelming comforting feeling but comes from doing what I know is right and continuing to try to live as Jesus Christ has taught us.  I am not even close to perfect -but I keep trying and hopefully I am progressing a little bit. 

I remember the difficult times I had when I lost Michael, but I also remember some of the "tender mercies" that helped me get through that experience.  I was able to deliver him quickly and without any complications.  To me-that was a great blessing.  He came out whole and I was able to see through "spiritual eyes" his features that showed that he was my son (he looked a lot like Nat).  A brother in our ward is a mortician and donated much of his services so that we were able to have a sweet family home evening and a nice little burial for him.  I also look back and see how many people cared for us and helped us get through that difficult time.  Many people provided meals, did yard work, and let me just talk and grieve.  I still am so touched by all the love that was extended to our family.

Every year around this anniversary, we honor our little angel by donating Build-A-Bears to the hospital- since we had received that generous gift three years ago, going out to dinner (which we did after his little graveside service), and visiting the cemetery where Michael is buried.  Even though it brings back some painful memories, there are also feelings of gratitude for The Plan of Salvation and knowing that because of Jesus Christ, there is always hope.

My "moment of joy" this week came when our little family was visiting the cemetery. I was standing there looking at Michael's headstone and reflecting when Travis put his arm around me and I realized that I am not alone- and that he and I have gone through something together that has helped us each become stronger people and stronger as a couple.  We are in this together-the good times and the bad.  I was so grateful to have him standing next to me and supporting me.

Cathy